2006. augusztus 4., péntek kategória: helyzetjelentés Dear Marquis! Arriving home this late time, switching on my computer as I allways do before anything you know... and of course downloadingthe mails and during that happens turning on some music... i turned on winamp, and just click on play without looking on the playlist, i saw that you were listening "all by miself".  I know I was impatiant with you these days and you still helped a lot. I have to say a big thank you for that. of course writing it and in reality just being selfish again i almost worse... But i really hope that this break will help getting along together, maybe after a long time resting not our relationship but everything about budapest i will be more patient with myself first so that i can work on one or at least less things and for that i can work on real projects, not just working out what i should work on... and then maybe i can concentrate not just on projects but people too. nowdays i can't really stay together with anybody if it's not neccesary for some kind of work. After this idea of participation research i started to reserarch in my whole life, every minute i spend awake and sometimes when i'm asleep... and research took the place of participation in personal life, and in working, the participation took the place of research. so was only participating in work, and only researching in personal life. And yeah it makes no sense so i have to stop it. Maybe the best is to go far away for a short time, some weeks without planned work, more spontanious situations, meeting with people, try to be open-minded but not just for those things which I'm interested... well i don't know if it will work if i'll meet only with polish squatters but anyway it's something which hasn't really got a direct connection with Budapest research... hm. So I'ld like to meet with you, my dearest lover or something like that, in the end of august or maybe the begining of septembre, when every organizational work is okay, finished, have no missed deadline and so on, and when i don't have to run all the time. It seems it's not working if I try to run next to you: you don't run with me and I can't stop... goodbye, have a nicer wheather, see you one month after. Marquise  ezt merteuil írta [1:24]

2006. július 27., csütörtök kategória: private Hm, research diary. I was in the office of Rev8 today. They said something else instead of what Dani explained me some days ago. Anyway, it isn't really important. The other thing is more interesting for me: there is a kind of behaviour which is really distasteful for me. This is how politician behave: they say many lovely things, their retoric couldn't be better... but if you look at the reality, what they and their assistants do, it can't be that cool and lovely, it is always worse, and less, even less than it could have been if they do not concentrate on communication this hard and spend their time on real organizing work... And, about this behaviour: of course the boss of the corporation is like a politician, definitely! There is a woman she is between this boss and Dani, the assisstant, so she is the boss of him in a way, and it seems she is learning that kind of retoric from the others. And now our city major Demszky asked Bojár to be his consultant. And he will be on the election list too. That guy! argh, that Octogon, and that huge gold ring on his hand... anyway it is better that he lives in Budapest, it is very rarely among the polticians of Budapest...  I've worked with Bojár, in his movement called I love Budapest. That movement: didn't work, nothing happened, they made several huge mistakes... pfe. But in a way in lobby this connection could work for us. I'm thinking of this...  ezt merteuil írta [21:07]   kategória: private It seems our collective started to have girlsfriends... The prince as well. Hm, anyway... the one who I'm thinking of the last days, or a week itis not him, i use to think of the Prince as the one I loved recently, but it is history now... when i though of him it was like 'huh, ah, this new boy i like very much is more close to me in many ways and how funny it would be if after a while he, the Prince would realise that here is another and he lost an opportunity...  And on the other hand by printing ovis program which is my big plan - i'm starting too feel it as my own thing, and how funny that i forgot a project, das konzeptualishes opfer from the brochure, and it is not mine project, but it was translated before, so i just forgot to put in it... anyway so the brochure is full of my ideas, my own dreams, and my friends, the collective didn't know anything about it before, they just heard some ideas but separately, one by one, not as a whole and in the program i think this wholeness is the best... anyway i have printed some brochures in english, and i made the papers in order at our place. Some of the collective was their, and the Prince helped me in it while he was waiting for somebody. It was good occasion to explain him what is this. And I saw on him that he likes it, and it started to be not as a group of people who works together but a group of people who are friends, colleges, and everything, more closer to a family that i would really like to have, I mean a family but not in a traditonal way. And in these last weeks, when i was thinking of love, love that i feel for many people, it wasn't about the traditional one, i love so many people in these last days, but not as a sexual-erotic way, or as i would like to go out with somebody, i just love to be with them, of course it's not without touching, but it isn't that important as some media try to convince the common... i like the works they do, the ideas they have, the way we can collaborate, i like to help them, and i like that they try to help me, and their funny jokes e.g. a/o when he saw us with to Visitor just after we met in the courtyard of our community space, we talked a lot, and he, A/o left us alone and he was joking after about that a lot, it was nice from him... there were some strange situations, when we talked with the visitor about sexuality and genders, and i said i had some lover before who don't mind to wear womendresses... and he said I'm not your lover... it was funny i know that he isn't but woow those kisses are delicious:) and i don't want any more, and it's not about i want him, i want to have him, it's just i like to be with him, and i like to be with others as well, it seems after you can't get somebody, but you feel then it isn't a big problem, because you are friends, it gives a kind of freedom: media, the society say all the time you must have, own somebody, you cannot live without it... but you realise that it is just a lie of the capitalism, and it's not about ownership, it's about friendship and community life where everybody is important but not indispensable, i mean by that nobody is an object of addiction... so the community is addicted to the people and not the persons. So nobody should feel the world and the community stops without him, so they won't make things because it is an obligation but they'll do them because they are in a way addicted to community life, and they like what they do! We had an arguement yesterday with T in our common place, but after a while it became a quite good mood, and they will help me hopefully tomorrow in some transport work, and i try to get some paints for them...   I miss the Visitor and not the Prince. Or maybe i miss in a way both, but is miss the visitor much more.  Maybe cause i didn't saw him for some days, and i won't meet him till 8th of august, and that time will be short again. It's funny that we are intrested in our work, and he don't see my workshop and i won't see his performance... now, going to that fuckin' ship again. ezt merteuil írta [9:55]

2006. július 24., hétfő kategória: helyzetjelentés Having slept some hours in pieces. Hard to look on the computer. Still that strange bad feeling in the stomach. Still don't know if it's tireness,or i am nervous, or ate sthing bad, or seasick or whatever. Now i have to go on the ship - another trial to make a short workshop introduction. [This word: ship, it will surely be a swear word for me if nothing happens.) No idea what to do tomorrow when i have to spend there hours standing and answering questions. Maybe i will choose a place on the shore, next to the ships but showing my back... (not to see the water at all) ezt merteuil írta [20:15]   kategória: helyzetjelentés Ahh. After this days with 3 hours sleeping per day... after this several hours beyond the computer... after this hours on a ship... after this slapdash rarely eating, maybe once a day besides coffee all the day and sweeties... oh I just come home in the rain, with fears... after the workshop introduction and the related lecture have postponed to the next day and the sight-seeing was cancelled... after the real estate agent called me just the worst moment and start this fuckin' speech 'well, dear, I have to tell you something...' argh, and after shout a lot with her and the owner of the flat, threaten them with a legal action... after these all coming home never were so tired and it surely won't be better just worser... after these just feeling myself as in the ship and started vomiting that small fast food lunch...    hate real estate agents! hate the ship without drinking water, electricity, air condition, guides, budges, ahhh too much coffee not enough sleeping, seasick in the shore just by thinking of the water that is undrinkable. Just sick of organizing at all. oh. i don"t want that. No. I cannot. I want to cancel my exsistance. Out of battery.  ezt merteuil írta [17:06]

2006. július 22., szombat kategória: private Aha! Now that I've decided that the Visitor will stay in my flat, I looked around him on the www. I found his whole name on Globalfreeloaders - it was easy, I knew only his first name and that he lives in Melbourne. Now I know what kind of flat he lives in, with whom. And after I got his family name as well, I've searched for it. At the first and second pages on google there was articles of a man who play cricket and has died in 1960's. Well, it isn't him. But after, I found an email he wrote 4 years ago to a mailing list. It is about an artist project, he asked for help: he wanted to translate this sentence: ""Is advertising peaking your language?" by this I mean "advertising" as a concept, not, or example, "this advertisement"." Haha! I also found a homepage where he was an artist of the day once:)............aaaaaaaaaaa yes I found his homepageeee!!! There it is now I am a secret agent again. I love internet!:))) :P (ps: i think I'll write to him that I checked his name and I've found it, but just after he wrotes something about me as well. He wrote the last post just one day before we met.)  ezt merteuil írta [13:11]   kategória: helyzetjelentés eh... I think I am addicted to coffee. I never was addicted to anything (maybe just sexuality, but that's okay) but now maybe i got addicted... or maybe addicted to the lifestyle which can go only with drinking coffee and smoke all the night. I drink at least 2 coffee in the morning when i get up, then i drink one or two more during checking my email, correcting the mistakes i made the night before etc. Now in the summer i drink of course cold coffee with a lot of milk. And i don't really pay attention to eat anything... well, as the Visitor said sometimes with his funny accent: 'ilyen a zélet'. ('that's ho wit goes':) When I'm thinking and writing in english I hear his voice speakin' my words, I almost see his lips moving, his smile... he's really handsome. Ah, shit! He said his heart is at a certain place, i don't want to fall in love with somebody who I cannot get or not that way! Stop it! No feelings, all you can get is a good friend, maybe a good sexpartner temporarily but it's sure not at the same time, this two relationship with the same person doesn't really belong together! Oh, but when he gives me that look it seems this isn't really sure, it is almost evident that he also have some kind of feelings for me. I don't know what kind of, no, so I have to stop myself one step before. Back to work! Drink coffee but do not think about him more seriously! Stop it! ezt merteuil írta [11:31]   kategória: private Húúú, it wasn't easy to get rid of the Visitor! He called me just now he said the train is leaving five minutes before that time he was calling and I felt first no I don't want another day with talking and without any real work! (I didn't tell it to him I just felt it) And after he explained that the train leaves 20 minutes later accidentally and he taught he will miss it... and he was talking to me on phone just that minutes before he got up on it... it seemed he doesn't really sure he want to go to the Balkans, to Belgrad and the Albania... I didn't really know what to say, he was funny tried to say goodby in many ways but one is also ridiculous and 4 or 10 types in the same time its 4 oe 10 times ridiculous. I mean it was really nice from him, yeah, it feels good anyway. But this talking using this much expletives ('töltelékszó': words just forr filling emptiness or lacks in speech) ... it was really nice from him calling me even the last minutes he has now in Budapest. It means something maybe. I mean he didn't call anybody else. (of course it's too late) I don't know... something is happening between us. Maybe I'm thinking in english maybe cause I'm thinking of him all the time. Thinking what I would say or show him if he would be here, what he would answer, how we would make ourselves understood... anyway he went to belgrad fortunately and he'll come back i hope just after my workshop so that i can work hard and not thinking of him. And I hope that I'll meet other good people during the workshop as well.  ezt merteuil írta [0:11]

2006. július 21., péntek kategória: Tomorrow we start workin'. He (the Visitor) leave Hungary today. if he can get a ticket for the train which will bring him to Belgrad. I had today a big dillema. I just get to know my brother has a girlfriend and they want to move to my flat for that three weeks in August. But I also offered it for this nice guy. He said he cannot stay in Budapest if this opportunity won't work (he knew that it will work, now that i'm not with him i'm sure, but then it didn't even come to my mind...). I know him only for 5 days. The other has the same blood but didn't tell me at all that he has a girlfriend for a month at least; he can use a 5room flat with that girl, even if my mother is there - but she is working all the time and if not she's going on holiday. So I decided finally that i will give the Visitor my flat and hopefully we'll get the key for the new flat before the 1st of Sept, so that my brother can have sex there:) The Visitor and the two friends of him will come with a van, and here I have accidentally a garage:) Well, A/o saw the first day what's going on between us. Ehm, even we don't know of course, what it is. But there was something I know. But I was discrete. I allowed to myself only some cool flirt (he was really in the game, a good and active partner in it), and some other games like this night he slept here cause we were tired, so we slept in the same room but he slept on the couch and I wore a dress for sleeping which is totally transparent. He didn't give a word for it but give me a kind of look, and I pretended that it is usual and natural, I do it everywhere (sleeping and getting up, have a coffee in a transparent dress. Yesterday night in Tűzraktér we were talking about sex and authority, controlling and being controlled, and the main topic was penetration. I told him some mysterius and profan commitment about how much I like doing it. I said and he agreed that it much more pleasure when you feel really directly the other's pleasure. And if you are penetrated you cannot feel it this directly. In a physical way you are an outsider - you are outside of your partner. But if you are who penetrates your are insider - you are the one who is inside the other and can feel directly your partners pleasure. And to feel detailed every change of his/her statement, woow, I cannot imagine anything better. We were close to think if we could try it - he said there after I explained my opinion, so he said it sounds great but it works maybe after you had sexual experience with somebody, and I answered: that sexual connection can begin with this. And then he said: it can, yes. But then A/o or a girl from our friends, I cannot remember who did interpose this time, so somebody come to chat or to ask if we want to have weed with her so that flirt was over for that time and after that weed we were so stoned that it was impossible even to kiss each other deeper than we did it before. So now we make a pause and we'll meet probably at the 8th of August. We will have only about 2 days together, when I'll show him and his friends everything in and around the flat, and the cats and after he will continue getting know me by my things here and not with my words, movements, ideas, whatever. And I'll start getting know Europe alone - a kind of freedom which is scary and wanted at the same time. ezt merteuil írta [18:57]

2006. július 20., csütörtök kategória: private I don't know yet if I really had abolish some of the borders inside myself... In a way i feel that i had, especcially the borders between the two language i speak... I've never felt this before this is so amazing that i cannot think of anything else... And the other amazing thing is to feel a collective, a real community around me even if they are somewhere else. It gives me that feeling that I have so manyreally good friends! I miss them but now it seems not the group but the people one buy one. How lovely are they, all of them maybe! The accent of M (lets call him the Visitor from now on...) when he speaks hungarian, the dance and touch of the Marquis, the way how M (who is in France now) can convince somebody and how he can be convinced; the eyes and smile of L. and E., and the speech style of the Prince who are in Austria (and maybe i miss T who is also there but i don't know it yet); the sound of when A/o laughs who is still here... and of course the speech style of M.Cs. (the Courtier) who is travelling around hungarian festivals; the hats some of them wear, our jokes that nobody else could understand... our conversations in the cellar when we learnt together and everybody said a lot of things which had nothing to do with each other we just threw in every thoughts we wanted. It sound like 'the pile is too small' game with words instead of bodies...    Well, the Visitor... it is so-so lovely, when he speaks hungarian. He always try every word with ság/ség and ask me if it make sense. And how nice when he thinks he learn a rule so he can use it other  times but then he realise that there is more exception than standard:-) ezt merteuil írta [16:32]

2006. július 19., szerda kategória: private I never thought I will be able once to feel something in English, or to feel something to a person who doesn't speak hungarian. And now it is so amazing that I feel something for such a person, and this feeling is not about situation we was in together but it belongs to his personality somehow... Well, n Ankara I met a german guy who I liked very much but just because he was handsome and he was a photographer - but in other things I knew about him was the same as other participants there. Or ratherother participants was also photograpghers... I had a big headache yesterday because of mixing he languages in thinking and in talking too. I had  4 meetings yesterday, all of them in hungarian, it wasn't easy... Sometime I'm translating in my head from hungarian to english when I talk with this australian-european guy, sometimes I do just the opposite: translating from english to hungarian in a hungarian talking meeting... Marquis called me yesterday and the word for arguement cannot come to my mind. It was funny talking him in english and he answered in hungarian. Sometimes we try this with this mystic guy as well. Now, back to work. I have to update Óvis page. ezt merteuil írta [11:39]

2006. július 18., kedd kategória: private To say the truth the situation was: we were standing on Rákóczi road at about 4 a.m. and we was talking about how bad is the hungarian way of saying goodbye: we just say hello, and going in the opposit way, showing our backs to each other. In Australia, as he said, they use to hug. Better but it was strange for me. (But felt good of course:) And after we discusses that we should find out an anarchist solution for that problem. I remembered a situation at Mr Knight's saloon when everyone of us kissed each other. most of them was a soul kiss. Woow, in English that word is not that profan like 'using your tounge'. Soul! How nice:) So, back what I want to say... We were kissing each other there and I had that feeling if there is any anarchist way of saying goodby it should be kissing, to abolish those borders that one can kiss one person in one life-period - so if you have a parner you can kiss him/her and nobody else. But kissing gives a kind of intimity even if it's without concrete sexuality in it. So if you kiss somebody on his/her lips it means a deeper connection and it is okay even if it isn't so deep, as a love-affair. I think I like that guy really much and it makes another reason to come back from Poland in Sept. I hope it won't be a reason not to go at all:) And I hope he will stay here in Budapest fo a while as he's planning now.  ezt merteuil írta [11:01]   kategória: private Techincal: From now on the public entries is published on Óvis site. So here stay only my half-private life if I have any. It is so intresting that today I woke up in English.... And the best in it that I realized I can easly joke, discuss, argue, flirt and kiss in English. I've never kissed a foreigner before. It's not just intresting but the situation was... I think, lovely! Today we are going to a demonstration in the Jewish district, and after I will show him the Parisian Courtyard's roof. And after it go back to work, and meet again in August after my workshop is ended. There was something in it when I said in the night 'When you're in Budapest there nothing outside of it, the whole world just gives up existing... or if something stay it's Pécs but that's all. And if anytime I will be able to leave this fuckin' city, maybe I'll never come back again or if I will just after a long time.' So because of that I'm a little bit afraid of travelling - nor of the travelling itself but the results... Of course I know I have a dedline cause we are moving to a new flat in Sept, and I have to move out from my present flat... But I'm not sure this fact will be enough. Maybe I will just give a phonecall or drop an email that pls there are my stuff in boxes, bring it to that place, maybe I'll come there one time... But it wouldn't be very nice from me doing it with my friends. Well, we'll see it. Now I have to go, I'm late from a meeting nearby at 10:30. ezt merteuil írta [10:18]

2006. július 11., kedd kategória: private Nemrég volt egy érdekes beszélgetésünk Mx-szel (Vikomt bátyja) és A-val, kajáltunk a töröknél. Arról beszélgettünk, milyen az amikor az ember szerelmes, de vetít, és azt látja a másikban, amit saját magából hiányol, és ezért vágyik annyira arra a másik személyre. Azthiszem, az, hogy épp az egész Birodalomból pont a Királyfiba sikerült belezúgnom, ez kicsit olyan, mint amikor a gagyiamerikai filmben a legbénább lány a suli sztárjába esik bele. Csakhogy ez nem egy gagyiamerikaifilm, ez a mocskos Budapest, most, a 2000-es évek eleje. (És jobb is így!:) Itt, a mi kis budapesti földalatt építgetett birodalmunkban nincsenek ilyen kategóriák, hogy béna meg sztár, kifejezetten maga a Királyfi is a személyi kultusznak még a lehetőségét is utálja... És még ha követnénk is ezeket a téves mintákat, akkor is milyen hülyeség, hogy ha magamban hiányt érzek, azt egy másik ember megszerzésével akarom pótolni, korrigálni?! Mert ha így tennék, ezáltal egy olyan helyzetben kergetném magam, ahol mindenáron ragaszkodnom kell hozzá, a másik emberhez, mert tőle függ az én egységem, hogy elég leszek-e saját magamnak, tehát birtokolnom kell az embert (ezáltal birtoklom azokat a valós vagy képzelt képességeit, amik belőlem hiányoznak). Ez pedig egész biztos szakításhoz vezet - ha normális legalább a másik - akkor pedig elvesztettem mindazt egycsapásra, amit meg akartam szerezni, holott ennyi energiabefektetéssel ennyi erővel megszerezhettem volna nem a képességet birtkolót, hanem magát a képességet - elsajátíthatnám. És ha ez van a Királyfi iránti érzéseimben, akkor egész biztos, hogy ennek semmi értelme, sőt, maga a vágyakozás káros - rám nézve is. Talán nem is azzal kéne tünetikezelnem magam, hogy benne keresem a hibákat, hanem magamban keresem a pozitívumokat és a lehetőségeket, saját magamat fejlesztem, tőle max. csak eltanulok, ellesek dolgokat. ezt merteuil írta [16:22]

2006. július 9., vasárnap kategória: private Pfúf bazmeg ezt az idiótát! Királyfi, nem is kell, még szeretőnek se, max szexpartnernek, de talán még annak se. Csak eszembe jutott és jött ez a felismerés: alkalmatlannak tűnik az operatív meetingnél mélyebb emberi kapcsolatokra, mert nem ismer fel finomságokat, és a konkrétan a képébe mondott dolgokat is félreérti! Vagy mégsem? Mi az, hogy "Majd kialakul..." Aztán meg hogy most akkor mi van, ez mit jelent: "Majd kialakul, mit gondol erről az egészről" Arról mit gondol, hogy én mit mondok akkor mit érzek igazából, vagy arról mit gondol, hogy ő mit mond, mit tesz, hogy viselkedik, mit érez?! Mi van ez is olyan lesz, mint az Ágyasom (akivel nemrég, na igen...) hogy totál belezúgás, és egy év epekedés után, amikor valaki másba látszom beleszerelmesedni, akkor dönt hanyatt és onnantól rendszeresen?! És hogy fog ez menni egy (lakó)közösségen belül?! Olvasgattam Lajosbácsi blogját. Haha, szerelemdefiníciók, vicces volt, amikor erről beszélgettünk. Nem is tudom már, mit is gondolok erről. Mintha E. véleményét osztanám egyszercsak: nem is létezik olyan. T.f.h. (tegyükfelhogy) van egy lakókommuna, csinálnak együtt ezt-azt. Meg mindenki csinálja a maga kis egyebét. Plusz én közben egyetem - talán nekem van hátra a legtöbb év, de ebben nem vagyok biztos -, civilszervezetekkutatgatok, projektelek is. (Emiatt reformistáznak néha rám, biztosan.) És akkor néha különvonulás, amiről A) mindenki tud, és ez téma, és konfliktus is, de talán nem alapvetően a tény hogy ez van, az a konfliktus, hanem apróbb dolgok; B) nem tudnak, és ez nem téma, csak köztünk, és ez konfliktus is - mit hogyan titkol az ember, plusz nem csak egymás között lehet konfliktus, hanem belül is, hogy minek titkolózni; C) tudnak ugyan, de ez nem téma, mert előbbrevaló a közösség, és ezt következetesen toljuk; D) nem tudnak, mert ugyan nem titkolózunk kifejezetten, csak úgy csináljuk hogy ne tudjanak róla és ez ok; E) tudnak vagy nem tudnak róla, de valójában nem történik semmi csak én szeretném, de kurvára és belehalok annyira, és ez konfliktus belül, és konfliktus a két ember között is, és a közösségben is, kibaszottul!!!! És *********** /elég a káromkodásból.../ ez a legutolsó a legvalószínűbb! Ha mégsem így lesz, nyilván a C) és D) változat (lényegében ugyanaz, mert a D-ből előbb-utóbb C lesz) lenne a legkirályabb. ezt merteuil írta [12:44]

2006. július 8., szombat kategória: helyzetjelentés Mostanában nem aludtam itthon. Szegény cicáim... először úgy tűnt férgesek, de nem: szőrtetű a ludas. Parazitagyilkos macskasampon. Talán a raszta-kolbászaimnak se ártana valami irtás... bár én jobban bírom a vizet, mint ők, szegények. De ma itthon alszom végre. Nem is tudom, frivol vagyok, vagy csak szétszórt. A vizsgaidőszakot nem épp úgy fejeztem be, ahogy illett volna. Amúgy ma kérdőíveztem a nyóckerben. Ennyi nyomor és ennyi sültbolond Futurbit!? Holnap megyek megint. Mostanában főleg a Márkinál voltam. Persze mindig azzal a felhanggal, hogy átmegyek hozzá éjszakára = átmegyek, dugunk, alszunk, felkelünk, megyünk a dolgunkra. Csakhogy olyan fáradtak voltunk - ő vizsgára tanult, én meg mindenfélét csináltam, és ennek a fele hajnalig pakolások A Közösségi helyen. Aztán egyszercsak már nem csak reggeliztünk, de együtt mentünk be az egyetemre - össze is vesztünk, azzal a klasszikus ideologizálós világmegváltós vita, amit olyan sokszor csináltunk már előtte is. Na, megvolt a törés. Aztán végül (hm, ez volt kb kedden asszem) pénteken egyszerre voltam személyes tréner és impozáns pom-pomlány egy fél nap szigorlatra várakozás közben. És lám! Vége, a Márki jóformán diplomás! Már csak egy szakdolgozat, egy szimpla szakszövegolvasás szeminárium és egy nyelvvizsga hiányzik! Aztán már csak munka, meg lakás, meg család, ugyebár... Ja, miért is szakítottunk? Az egymásra kivetített stressz, az ellentétes bioritmus, a másféle szorongás? Persze mindkettő féle tevékenységgátló. Csak az egyik dinamikus, hullámzó, a réseket kihasználva leküzdögethető, a másik meg tartós, folyamatos, és olyan mintha nem végleg gátolná hanem csak nagyon lelassítani a tevékenységet. És az egyik felől nézve a másikat milyen szörnyű mindkettő! A dinamikusból nézve a folyamatosat, az olyan, mintha egyhelyben állna. A folyamatosból nézve a dinamikusat, az meg olyan mintha előrerohanna, majd vissza ugyanoda, hát mi ez az őrület?! Hát igen. Mindenesetre megvan a szigorlata - az enyém nem... - ráadásul: Marx, történelmi materializmus, 5-öst érdemlő felelet, 4-es eredmény (későbbi elmondás szerint mert jegyzetszagú volt a felelet, holott tényleg a szövegből tanult!) Az ünneplés 10 órás alvás formájában történt. Semmi szex, semmi vacsora, semmi romantika. Csendes "sikerült!" megnyugvás. Aztán ez alatt a 10 órás alvás alatt a Királyfiról álmodtam. Álmodtam neki egy jótanácsot, az augusztusi utazáshoz. Még az is lehet, hogy tényleg hasznos tanács. Mert hogy az a problémája, hogy augusztusban megy skóciába, ha jól tudom, egyenes úton, vonattal, sok pakkal. És vinne bringát, de az drága. Mi sem egyszerűbb: némileg szétkapja a bringát, és máris poggyász! Vagy ez hülyeség? Áh, mindegy, mert úgyis elmesélem neki, csak úgy mellékesen, aztán majd eldönti, van-e értelme. Csak hát ott van az is, hogy nehogy már azt higyje, hogy egyáltalán eszembejut. (Fizikai vonzalom igenigen erősen, de más semmi számottevő, ugye?) Ja igen, meg azért volt egy nap mélyzuhanás: összeveszés Márkival, aztán A Közösségi helyen alvás, onnan reggel átkozott munkamegbeszélésről fél órás késés tökálmosan - reggel A Közösségi helyen még a lakattal is totálbénázás, primitív álmos barom(ság) -, aztán CEU-n előadás, ahol szintén nem voltam toppon, de azért még az volt a nap fénypontja, főleg mert volt pár elég jó arc, értelmes kérdések (is), aztán hullatúra A Közösségi helyre - hullák a házak meg én is - ott meg egy perc szünet se, mindig van valami: nyáriegyetem bigyó, aztán fúrás, meg nemtommi, aztán bármegbeszélés: fárasztóbb mint a CEU, és végig éreztem közben, mekkora fasz vagyok, elnyomó túlkommunikátor, blokkolnom kéne saját magamat olykor mostmár. Hát ja, dinamikus, mi? A végére éreztem, de már a megbeszélés elején totál kész voltam, alkalmatlan bármire. És a Királyfi is, érezni lehetett, rajta azt hogy érzi, rajtam meg magát a dolgot, hogy bennem van ez az egészk, hogy befolyásol, hogy odafigyelek rá, aztán egyszercsak nem, mert azthiszem, tudom mit akar mondani, ellopom mások nyelvehegyéről az odaképzelt szavakat, ez egy nagyon rossz szokás... És akkor volt egy olyan szitu is, hogy körbement egy véleményezési kérdés, mindenki mondja el, a nemtomhány verzióból melyiket akarja, blokkol-e mást stb. És akkor kimaradtam a körből, úgy kellett krahácsolom, és hirtelen visszamentünk bő egy évet az időben, és belül kiborultam, csak kívülről tartottam magam. Talán hagyni kellett volna, nem szólni, nem krahácsolni, nem nyilvánítani véleményt, hátha kiderült, számot tart-e a véleményemre bárki. Persze akkor se tudni, miattam, vagy a bázisdemokrácia elve, látszatának fenntartása miatt kérdeztek volna rá. Majd legközelebb - úgyis lesz még ilyen. Most pedig ideje helyrehoznom ezt a háztartást, játszani sokat a cicókkal, Királyfikról álmodni, holnap meg dolgozni tovább. ezt merteuil írta [21:59]

2006. június 30., péntek kategória: private public Fhú! Az elmúlt pár napban, hát... megbuktam egy szigorlaton... volt némi oka azon kívül hogy nem tanultam,, hanem hát szóval mást csináltam:) jövő héten belekezdünk a munkába, párhuzamosan tolok majd megint három projektet, amiből kettő csapatmunka, egy pedig pénzkeresés, de nem csapatban hanem csapatnak. Ebben csak az a szar, hogy az első kettő kevésbé kemény kötelezettség mint inkább öröm és közösség-érzet, a másik, a pénzes viszont sajnos olyan, hogy az biza határidős, csinálod vagy menjafrancba. Ej. Nehogy a közösség a társadalom kárára menjen ismét. Majd írok középszintű elméletet (Merton!) a szexualitásomról, finom utalásokkal kemény dolgokra, mert végülis azért nyitottam ezt itt. Csak jelzem, nem marad el a szövegfolyam. ezt merteuil írta [13:38]

2006. június 27., kedd kategória: private Hihetetlen. Elhagytam a Márkit, alapvetően magamért (magamat jobban szerettem mint őt...), de azért picit a Királyfiért is. Erre mivan?! Az egyik udvaronc ágyában kötök ki és még az ő rendszere sem elég nyitott! Van egy szeretőm, néhány éve. Viszonylag rendszertelenül találkozgatunk. Mindig csak spontán. Aznapra megbeszélt találkozók, hozzávetőlegesen 1-2 havonta. De van hogy kimarad fél vagy egy év is. Barátok vagyunk, mellesleg szeretők, sosem a kettő együtt. Azthiszem, ez az az ideáltípus, a párhuzamosságokat nem kizárva, aminél jobban nem tudok elképzelni. Csak valahogy mintha mások rendszerét jobban (?!) gúzsba kötnék a társadalmi normák. No persze, mondom ezt egy év együttélés után, na mindegy. Párhuzamosan számtalan (vagyis inkább számos) ilyen viszony, az lenne az egészséges. Mindegy mi lesz, két dolog ne történjen soha (többet): 1. terhes vagyok és nem tudom kitől (naggyon gáz!) 2. egy ember, és a vele való kapcsolatom uralja az életem, a mindennapjaim, és vagyok olyan naiv, tökkelütött, hogy azt hazudom magamnak, neki és másoknak, hogy én akartam így. ezt merteuil írta [13:26]